How to be a Superhero
by pepsicola porn
Summary: John is a derpy superhero, Jade is his sidekick, Dave is a reporter, Rose is his boss, Jake is the next Lex Luther, and Vriska is a vigilante that has a thing for do-gooders. AU; John/Dave, Karkat/Jade, Rose/Kanaya, hints of Vriska/John.
1. Jade: introduce everyone!

**Jade: introduce everyone!**

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><p>"Psssssst, John, wake up!"<p>

John groaned and began to swat at the giggly mess of a girl poking his cheek and wiggling on top of him - she sat on his stomach and John was honestly incredibly thankful she was so tiny and light, otherwise he might be choking for air. Jade's bright green eyes shone gleefully from behind her large, round glasses and she pawed at John's face, pursing her lips as he groaned and continued swatting her hand away.

"John, come on, we have work!"

The black-haired man grunted and finally, _fiiiinally_, opened his bright blue eyes and looked up at her with an adorably lazy look on his face. Jade giggled in delight because good gosh it was hard waking her brother up! Though they shared different fathers the two had grown up together and even rented an apartment together once they graduated college and entered the real world. Well, actually, John graduated and Jade was on her way to graduate since she was a year younger, but still. They shared an apartment and John let her work at his bakery (inherited from his dead grandmother). It was a small place and Jade loved working there as much as John loved working there, even if he made these funny repulsed faces whenever Jade tried to make him actually eat the sweets there.

And they were running late again!

Fed up with his resistance and knowing fully well the reason was because he was up online again, probably chatting with his online friends, Jade smiled mischievously. "Fine, seems you've forced me to turn to my last resort~! Don't blame me for this!" she giggled hysterically, looking down at her half-awake brother as he frowned and tried to roll over, get her off of him, and go back to sleep.

She flicked her wrist and made her heavy astronomy book fly off of the bookshelf and whack John right in the face. She caught it before it could topple precariously to the ground and jumped off of John, who let out an "AUGH!" of pain and surprise before he sat straight up. Both hands instantly flew to cradle his throbbing head as he groaned pathetically, which admittedly made Jade burst into a fit of evil giggles.

"Jaaaade!" John complained, shooting her a frown. "That hurt! Sidekicks don't injure their heroes!"

"Oh shush, you were the one refusing to wake up," Jade chided, rubbing his forehead. She felt a little bad about hurting him, but still! He was the one who didn't want to wake up! "Hehehe, okay, get showered and get ready to leave. Man, for a superhero your reflexes sure suck."

John swatted her hand away but grinned, obediently rolling out of bed to get ready. Jade returned her textbook to the shelf then floated into the living room, feet whisking up off the ground as she contemplated making John something to eat before they left. With the rate things were going he'd only have enough time to shower and dress so it was up to her, his trusty sister and roommate, to make him a hefty breakfast!

Jade hummed happily as she switched the TV on, smoothing down her uniform (she convinced John to let the females wear dresses instead of pants and he hesitantly agreed, so yay! She got to wear a light green dress with a fluffy skirt that she personally designed) before she got things out from the cabinets to make toast. Simple, fast, easy to eat - heck he could even eat on the way to the bakery! Jade was willing to drive, though she doubted John would really like the idea since _apparently_ Jade was a reckless driver.

She pushed her messy dark locks behind her ears and, still humming blissfully, began preparing John his food. Her sharp hearing heart the squeak of the shower handle turning followed by the pitter patter of the shower water and she grinned in triumph. Maybe next time she'd go straight for the textbook method, it seemed to work the best.

Jade was momentarily distracted by the TV when a familiar name came up - "Extraordinary Boy" and "Space Girl" (Jade thought the names were ridiculous but she and John didn't really give themselves name so, well, whatever!) - and her eyes found themselves planted on the television as curiosity piqued.

"Once again a crisis has been averted!" the news reporter announced enthusiastically. "Just the other day, the mysterious heroes thwarted an attempted bank robbery! Once again they - "

Jade turned away when the toaster pinged and grabbed the bread, dropping it onto a paper plate as she used her powers to hastily change the channel with red, red cheeks. Whenever she heard the news channel report on her she got really embarrassed! John just started grinning and babbling about how awesome it was they were now dubbed as heroes instead of freaks trying to do good. When they first moved from Washington to NYC Jade had been nervous since John insisted they use their abilities for the greater good. Jade had always been self-conscious about her odd powers but John relished in his, flying around without a care in the world, helping those he happened to see were in need.

He watched too many movies and decided "Jade Jade Jade LET'S BE SUPERHEROES!" A nervous, giggly Jade hesitantly went along with it but now she found it pretty fun, flying around in the outfits she designed herself, true superheroes saving the innocents from a corrupt world of crime and greed! Though in all honesty she rather preferred attending her classes and working at their family bakery more. Still, she had to admit John's excitement rubbed off on her and though hearing about her deeds embarrassed her, it did make her feel pretty good. For once in her life she wasn't ashamed of her freaky powers, but proud! And it was thanks to John.

Beaming at the thought Jade added extra cinnamon for her brother and set the food on the counter, landing softly on her feet. She had a bad habit of floating around the apartment like John, but she was a bit better at refraining from the unconscious habit than John was.

"Morning!" John greeted suddenly as he entered the kitchen/living room area. Refreshed and awake, he no longer looked like a zombie forced out of its grave, but a chipper positive Egbert. He was clad in the men bakery uniform (a pair of jeans and a green shirt) and had his glasses on, all prepped to go. His hair stuck up in random directions, obviously not properly brushed as always, and Jade giggled a bit as she rushed over to smooth it down with her hands - her powers helping of course - before she stepped back and motioned to the toast she made.

"Awesome, thanks Jade!" John beamed, grabbing the plate as Jade opened the closet to get her tennis shoes on. She grabbed John's shoes and tossed them towards her brother as he was finished up his second slice of toast and wow, he ate fast. Jade smiled as he fumbled around with his shoelaces and she took this opportune moment to rush to her room to grab a hairband because gee, she almost forgot, and tied her hair back into a ponytail. She re-entered the kitchen area and saw John opened the front door, the paper plate empty and sitting on the counter.

Jade didn't have time to scold John for leaving it out and decided she'd do it later - for now they needed to go or they really would be late! She grabbed John by the sleeve and half dragged him down the hall to the stairwell and all the way to the parking lot. Their apartment complex was pretty small and so was the assigned parking, so getting to their car was pretty easy. Driving was quick too since the bakery was barely even a ten minute drive away and Jade was relieved when she realized they had barely made it (thank goodness the traffic today wasn't all that bad!).

John went right for the back and Jade flipped the sign to "OPEN" as she swept towards the employee's room to clock in and put her bag away. Once that was done she returned to the front, panting pretty heavily with all the running around she was doing, and smiled when she saw Nepeta had arrived for her shift. Since the bakery was so small there were only a few employees working at a time which made it easier to manage, not to mention the employees were sort of like a family. Even their grumpy baker Karkat!

"Morning," Nepeta purred in greeting, as bouncy and cute as always. Even though she had an apartment full of cats, a creepy personal trainer boyfriend Jade only met once and a habit of acting like a cat (though Jade did find that sort of cute), Nepeta was one of the easiest people to talk to.

"Morning," Jade returned brightly as she set up behind the counter.

"Made it in the nick of time once again~" Nepeta giggled as she twirled around for the sake of making her skirt flutter. Jade noticed the younger girl did that often and it made Jade pretty happy that Nepeta enjoyed her design. If Jade wasn't majoring in astronomy (which may or may not have something to do with her abilities) she might have considered fashion design! But she was too nice to enter such a cutthroat world, anyway, so she decided to stick to what she knew best.

In reply to Nepeta's observation Jade shrugged. "You know John! He's always sleeping in and waking up at the last possible moment."

"He's probably the worst owner in the history of owners. Lucky for him he hires hard-working, dedicated employees! And cute girls that attract customers," Nepeta pointed out with a playful smile.

"Hehehe, you're right about that much!" Jade agreed. "By the way, where's Karkat?"

"Karkitty? Oh, he's already in the back!" Nepeta replied. "Why? Forgot to give him a good morning kiss - I mean _hug_?" Nepeta teased, wiggling her eyebrows. It would have made Jade laugh but she was too busy blushing to do that.

"What? No! So I like hugging, so does John, and you don't tease him about it!" Jade huffed.

"Well _John_ doesn't have a crush on mister cranky-baker-pants," Nepeta replied with a casual shrug. She twirled her short black hair between her long, pale fingers, an innocent twinkle in her so-not-innocent eyes. Nepeta made _everything_ she did look innocent. "If he did I'd be worried."

"Can we not talk about this?" Jade muttered. She didn't like Karkat - well, not like _that_ - but Nepeta had it in her head that she did! Maybe Jade should cut back on the hugging. "Customers will start coming in soon for breakfast muffins!"

"It's six in the morning! Only roosters are up this early!" Nepeta huffed.

"Or people with real jobs?" Jade giggled.

"Pfff, right," Nepeta grinned back. "Them too."

"So Nepeta," Jade started, deciding to chat like usual until customers started filing in. Nepeta, the waitress (Jade worked the counter and John helped wait and take orders too), was leaning against the counter as Jade stood behind it, resisting the urge to snack on the sample pieces of their new chocolate bagel. Gosh, it looked good! Though everything Karkat made was good, but still. Chocolate! "When does your break end?"

"Another week," Nepeta replied with a small pout. "It was so fun to get a break though! High school blows, you know~!"

"I know, I know," Jade chuckled. "Once your school is back in session you'll go back to working later shifts. Then my morning chatting buddy will be gone!"

"Aw, I feel so honored," Nepeta laughed.

"You should! I take choosing my conversation buddies very seriously!" Jade said with a mock serious face. "I put them through many grueling trials and only if they pass them all perfectly will I deem them worthy."

"I see. And what are these tests?" Nepeta asked with a grin.

"That's confidential."

The two girls began giggling at the ridiculous conversation but it faded when Karkat appeared, arms crossed and face as angry as always. But _gosh he looks so adorable in his apron! Hehehe!_ She was glad she made John force him to wear it because it really paid off. It made him look less intimidating and, yeah, that was a difficult feat to accomplish!

"What are you two monkeys teeheehee-ing over? I could hear your obnoxious chortling all the way from the fucking kitchen."

"Ooh-ohh-ahh," Nepeta deadpanned which set you both off into another set of giggle fits. Karkat's scowl deepened. "Aw, come on, Karkitty! Lighten up!"

"It is physically impossible to 'lighten up' a six in the goddamn morning, Leijon," he returned in a firm, annoyed voice. "And Harley, for fuck sake, you're the owner's sister, you should be working instead of giggling like a goddamn middle school girl!"

Jade flushed and frowned. "Karkaaaat! You're so mean! We don't even have any customers yet! And if we're talking about working you're the one who left your stand to scold us! Get back to work or I'll tell the boss!" she said in a mock-chiding tone, waving her finger at him as if she were a mother scolding her child.

Before Karkat could reply Nepeta added, "Aw spare him that humiliation, Jade! He was just visiting you because he couldn't resist after hearing your cute giggling! He's suuuuch a romantic!"

Karkat's eyes bugged out of his head. "The fuck! The hell that's the reason!"

Nepeta snickered and Jade couldn't help it; she giggled softly, hand moving to press over her grin as if hoping to hide it. But nope, Karkat heard it and he actually blushed and wow, that was really cute! Your giggling got louder and more nervous and Karkat looked angrier and more flustered and Nepeta just laughed her butt off the whole time.

"Hey, what's got your guys' funny bones all tickled?" John asked as he exited the back office, grinning ear to ear like he always did when he heard someone laughing.

"Nothing~" Nepeta hummed innocently. Jade smiled sheepishly and Karkat stalked back to the kitchen, still red to the tip of his ears. "Morning, boss!"

"Morning Nepeta," John replied with that goofy grin still glued on his face. "Man you girls are chipper this morning, huh?"

"Aren't we always?" Nepeta replied. John shrugged with a light-hearted chuckle and Jade couldn't help but glance towards the back where Karkat disappeared. Then she returned her attention to Nepeta and John but it was quickly directed towards the front when their first customer entered.

And boy, he was handsome!

He was tall, taller than John even, with white-blonde hair that flopped over the killer shades he wore. He was dressed in nice pants and shoes, a blazer, and he pretty much looked like a successful guy. At his side was a tall, beautiful woman with short black hair and pale white skin and oh, oh, she was a frequent customer! Jade saw her pretty much every morning for tea and some afternoons for lunch. If she remembered correctly from one of their brief conversations she worked at the building across the street - the…newspaper…thing. Augh, Jade didn't remember, but she did remember her name was Kanaya. The guy, however, was a new face.

They were talking when they entered - "Trust me Strider," Kanaya was saying, "I have the perfect remedy for your lethargic state. The coffee here is a perfect balance between energizing and delicious."

"Sure, whatever you say," the boy - Strider, apparently? - grumbled in reply. He looked like a wreck, all messy-haired and frowny-faced. Jade couldn't see his eyes behind his sunglasses but she was sure they had bags, judging from the slumpy posture he held and everything else about him.

"Trust me, I know these things," Kanaya insisted. They took a seat at one of the small round tables near the counter and Kanaya set her briefcase down (Jade nearly giggled because really, who uses those anymore?) and said something to the Strider guy Jade couldn't make out anymore.

"Wow, he's cute, huh?" Nepeta voiced Jade's thoughts, eyes drawn to the blonde. "But he looks horrible! Since he seems to be planning on getting coffee make sure to make it extra special and energizing~" Nepeta instructed. Jade smiled a little and nodded obediently. Karkat handled the food, Jade handled the drinks - that was what the counter was for, preparing all the beverages and handling the money.

Before Nepeta could approach, however, John (who had been doing goodness knows what behind the counter) was already bounding towards the two all smiles and bright energy. Jade hoped his enthusiasm didn't make the Strider guy even grumpier.

"Awwww, boss got there first!" Nepeta whined. "Oh well. I guess I'll just wait for someone else to come in so I can get my customer service on."

Jade pursed her lips and silently agreed.


	2. Dave: be a grumpy reporter

**Dave: be a grumpy reporter**

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><p>Dave Strider was beyond wrecked.<p>

As if finding out his older brother was dating a porn star wasn't traumatizing enough (but yeah, let's not get into that), he also had to stay up all night for the past week working on this stupid article Rose forced on him. She claimed that his "super cool and ironic Strider ways" made him objective and pretty apathetic to the whole superhero thing. So, she decided, Dave would be the one to write an article on "Extraordinary Boy" and "Space Girl". Dave had no fucking idea what the big hype was, aside from you know, the whole superpower thing (Even Dave admitted that was pretty cool) but the names were gay as hell and the so-called-heroes were so flamboyant about it all.

Even within a week Dave had pretty much nothing.

Kanaya had insisted she take him to her favorite bakery nearby before they go to work and he was hesitant about it and all, but he agreed in the end. He felt like shit and he looked like shit and Kanaya, the only one in the office who wasn't too intimidated by him to approach him and drag him around like this, decided to swoop in and cheer him up. Or, more specifically, drag him to a bakery half an hour before he was supposed to be at work. He didn't really want to since he wasn't exactly looking forward to facing Rose. He had nothing; sure, he had the research down and interviews and blah blah blah. But shit fuck damn, he only had the introduction typed up and that was shit (basically just him mocking the hero thing and he doubted Rose would print that).

_So, yeah_, he decided suddenly, _I need some fucking coffee_.

As soon as he sat down a young man bounded over and Dave was reminded of an overly eager puppy dog. The guy was grinning ear to ear, showing some rabbit teeth like some grade schooler, and good god his eyes were blue. They were just…_blue_. So bright and blue and wow, that was a really gay thing to notice. So Dave ignored it and kept his cool and calm mask on as the guy said hi to Kanaya, introduced himself ("Hi! I'm John!"), and then asked for their order.

"The usual," Kanaya said coolly and Dave's eyebrow rose when John happily scribbled something on a pad. Then he turned to Dave and augh, those blue eyes, fuck.

"Coffee," he grunted grumpily.

"Alright!" John chirped and Dave grimaced. Good god this guy was a big ball of happy, wasn't he? "Is - "

"Just black. Nothing else, just fucking hot coffee," Dave interrupted with a frown that made the John waiter guy blink in bemusement.

"Oh, uh, alright then! Coming right up!" Then he turned and bounced off and Dave turned to give Kanaya a look. She merely quirked her eyebrow and leaned forward slightly, right against her hand.

"Don't give me that look, Strider."

"That guy is disgustingly hyper for someone up at six in the morning," the blonde reporter grumbled.

"Or perhaps that's just you and your apparent inability to write about those superheroes," Kanaya quipped. "Don't take your depression and lack of inspiration out on the innocents. You might as well become an evil villain and butt heads with the heroes yourself."

Dave snorted. "Wow, was that supposed to be a joke?"

"I…think so."

"You need to stop making jokes."

"Agreed."

The two colleagues fell into a bout of content silence for a while. It was broken however when, suddenly, out of nowhere, a girl popped up all bright-eyed and grinning. She held two cups and set them down, coffee for Dave, tea for Kanaya. She looked a lot like that John guy and Dave couldn't help but look over her shoulder, as if searching for him, but then he looked away after realizing how stupid that was.

"Hi! Sorry, I know John was serving you but I heard you talking and - oh, no, I didn't mean to eavesdrop or anything!" she added hastily, blushing with a sheepish little smile. She reminded Dave of an overly self-conscious middle school girl. "Anyway, you're a reporter too?"

The question was directed at Dave, who shrugged. "Yup."

"And you're writing about Extraordinary Boy and Space Girl, right?" she asked eagerly, her eyes all wide and sparkly and god damn this girl really did remind him of a middle school girl.

"Yup." Man of few words, Strider was.

"Oh man! Okay, okay, so I know it's none of my business or anything but I really think I know someone you can talk to about this!" she said eagerly, bouncing happily on her heels.

"Uh…" Dave said dully, eyebrow rising. Kanaya, to his chagrin, looked interested and even leaned slightly towards the hyper girl as if waiting on the edge of her seat for what was about to come out of her mouth.

"He's a professor at my college! He's really into things like the cultural differences between myth and fact and bluh, basically, he's really into the superheroes and he's been doing some research and thesis papers on it! I think he could help you out!"

Dave didn't know why, but he believed her and though he wanted to wring her neck (too much pep fuck shit augh) he just took to staring at her with a "really, now?" look on his otherwise expressionless face. She continued beaming and nodded eagerly even though Dave hadn't said anything yet.

"Well, thank you for the reference," Kanaya finally said curly.

"Oh, no problem! You're a valued customer and I love helping people out!" the girl chirped happily. She even clapped her hands together. Was she a cheerleader in high school? Better yet, was she still in high school? She sure looked like it. Dave nearly asked - lack of sleep did strange things to this Strider - but before he could even open his mouth John was back and he looked kind of panicked.

"Jade, stop disturbing the customers," he said.

"Oh, she wasn't bothering us," Kanaya assured he frazzled-looking guy calmly. "In fact she really helped my friend Dave out."

The blue-eyed boy looked at said friend Dave who merely waved lazily. "Sup."

"Oh, well, uh, still. Jade, come here," he urged the now-named girl, who looked like she was pouting, "I need to ask you something." He looked back to Kanaya and Dave with a dopy grin. "Sorry! Anyway, enjoy yourselves!"

Then he was off. Dave's intuitive reporter senses were tingling but he stifled them to take a sip of his drink. His eyebrows rose. "Hm. You weren't lying. This is pretty fucking good coffee."

"I don't see why you felt using vulgar language to express yourself was necessary but, yes, I was sure you'd enjoy it," Kanaya replied as she took a hilariously dainty sip of her tea. "Are you going to visit that professor?"

"Sure. I have nothing else to go on at this point," Dave muttered. Then he blinked. "Oh, fuck. She didn't give me his name or any information, really."

"Then go ask her while I pay. We can take our drinks to go," Kanaya suggested. Dave shrugged his agreement and grabbed his coffee as he headed for the counter only to realize Jade and John were near the back - right outside what he assumed to be the owner's office. He approached them (Dave Strider didn't do things like polite formalities) and managed to hear the last breath of their argument before they both fell silent and turned to him.

"I didn't rip off any masks, John! I just gave him a name!"

"But - "

And that was when they turned to face Dave.

"Oh," John said. "Hi?"

"Hey," Dave said calmly. Without missing a beat he turned to face Jade. "You never gave me a name."

"Oh? Oh!" Jade's face lit up and she cast John a nervous glance but the guy merely sighed and nodded hesitantly. "Right! His name is Professor Noir and he's in building C, but well, here let me write down his room number and the campus and stuff." Then the girl was off like a light to grab something from behind the counter - paper and pen, Dave assumed.

John cleared his throat. "So, you're a reporter like Kanaya, huh?"

"We work together."

"Oh, that's cool!" And the weird thing was he really meant it and his grin was completely open and honest and those fucking _eyes_ -

"Yup," was Dave's ingenious reply. Gosh, this John guy was going to make Dave pass out. Lack of sleep made it impossible for Dave to properly take in how ridiculously blue this guy's eyes were. Thankfully before things got too awkward Jade returned waving a piece of paper.

"Here!" she said breathlessly. Dave took the paper, shoved it in his pocket, thanked both of them, then turned and walked away. Kanaya saw him headed for the door and fell into step with him, tea in hand and eyebrow quirked again.

"Well, I paid for the both of us though it concerns me that despite not knowing this you still planned to walk out of the shop." She paused to eye him for another moment as they exited the bakery and walked down the street towards their building. "Are you planning to visit this mysterious professor today?"

Dave took a sip of his coffee, satisfied to realize it was still nice and hot.

"It's the first thing on my to-do list."


End file.
